wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.