Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
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It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz