Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
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If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
ready to be harvested
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.