Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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I can’t stop watching this.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.