I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.