ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
FRED: right
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up