Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
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Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.