My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”