How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.