Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
No, YOUR illiterate.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
That’s amazing.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.