police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
found my next D&D character name
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.