Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
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Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Never ghost your hitman.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh