Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
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**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.