i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.