I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
never forget
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order