What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
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i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Monica just destroyed the internet
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Wednesday
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.