if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.