When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.