It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet