Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
handsome & gretel
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳