Become a minion. Get that bread.
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Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester