*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma