Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Siri: Retweet me.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.