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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Who does Amazon think I am?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt