I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
is nasa ok
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.