Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
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Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.