Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?