“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
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What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.