[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.