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Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics