A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.