Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

Story of my life…..

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

I came this close!!!!

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia