Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
You Might Also Like
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
wut hotdog?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”