We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
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I have a black belt in leather
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.