Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?