“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner