[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
everyone has that one prude friend
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”