In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
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Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My patience has stretch marks.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)