When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.