Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re