Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
The opposite of goth is stopth.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.