Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
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I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.