No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Perfect
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it