It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I feel like one of these would kill a European
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.