“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*jingles half the way*
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.