when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
what
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”