HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
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Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate