Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”