I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword