[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.